Inkundla Forums Inkundla (General) eZothamlilo IMBAMBO ZIYEPHUKA PART 2

Elinye ijaha elizithandayo lasuka lana elondon lisiya eGoli lilihle lifake amachain lapha ezandleni kwazise phela likhonjwe ngenyintombi eliyithole kunet njalo lithemba ukuthi inhle.Lathi lifika lanjabula ngoba wayemuhle umntwana angani engangena ethoyilethi kuzaphuma icocobutter[amafutha]lapha ezibunu wahamba laye endlini lapho owabhandala khona imali enhle.Kwathi ebusuku undoda waphupha elabangane bakhe eLondon besindla benatha amabuy one get one free omunye umngane wakhe wasembuza ukuthi ukhethani ukuthi abeyiNKUKHU KUMBE INJA UMA ENGAFA wathi ufuna ukuba yinja bamhleka bathi engakhohla imisebenzi yenzinja[bamntshela ukuthi uzabe elala phandle njalo enethwa lizulu]watshintsha wathi kuncono abe yiNKUKU[abanhlekanga]uthe eloke elele wezwa ezibunu kutshisa wacabanga ukuthi konje uyinkuku iyabekhela lanye wenzanjalo.kondwa njengomuntu eqala wakhala kakhulu wazewethusa umntwana.Wamvusa embuza ukuthiyini wathi uyaphupha.Umntwana esenyanyile wathi USUBHOTSHILE NJA!!!!....

Themba got on the bus,sat next to a man reading a book,noticed he had his collar on backwards,the little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man ,who is a priest,said"l am a father"

Themba replied,"my father doesn't wear his collar that way"

The priest looked up from his book and answered"l am the father of many".

Thembasaid"my father has 4 girls and 4 boys and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way"

The priest getting impatient,said"l am the father of hundreds"and went back to his reading.

Themba sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said,"maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar"

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the Doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors and said "I've hurt my arm in
several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

uShenge Nabezindaba (back in the 80's)

Intatheli: Baba Sokalise kunamahebezi okuthi ungase ushiye ukuba umholi we IFP. Ngenxa yengcindezi yokuthi awusaphilile kahle ngexa yaso isifo sikashukela.

uShenge: Ngiyezwa nje amahemuhemu okuthi mangiphume ekubeni umholi weqembu le IFP ngenxa yabo belu laba abathi nginoshukela. Angazi noma bakebangikhotha yini?

uShenge eMondlo 1986

uShenge: Ngizwile nje ezindabeni ngabo belu onqeqe abayizintatheli ukuthi bathi mina angisazi Isilungu, angazi noma umsunu yini lo ekade ngiwukhuluma eFilidi.

uShenge emsakazweni 1982

Into engingayisho nje msakazi ukuthi umfundi waso Ngoye inzalo yesifebe nohlanya.

omnyama

Waqonywa ke! uMfoka Gumede, kanti uqonywa yi sangoma. Lwafika olungaliwayo,
wakhwela phezu kwaso ngomthondo, washaya wagalela
ngempela umfoka Mguni, wazizwa ukuthi uyashaya impela kanti futhi
nesangoma siyachama, wathi uma eqeda esezwa ukuthi sesi chame kwaze
kwaba kathathu isangoma sazamula kakhulu maqede sathi

"Ayabonga amakhosi phela ubusabhebhisa idlozi nje, manje sekumele
ubhebhe mina njenge Ntombi yakho".

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

Murderer : Population Stabilizer

Orphan : Independent Youngster

Beggar : Financial Gatherer

Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist

Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices

Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist

Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician

Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor

Tea lady : Refreshment Overseer

Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician

Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer

Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer

Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist

Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist

Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager

Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Unemployed :Township Management


Gossiping :Research Management[size:11pt][/size]

INKINGA YOMLIMI

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on

himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on
the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more
pleasure than his wife does.
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
farmer decides to call the customer hotline. ''Hello, I just bought a
cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I
remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry sir'', replies the
customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once

it has collected two litres!"

IYo! IYo! Yo! Yo!...........

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed,
Desperate.

Reply:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

AYUBA bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

============ ========= ========= ======
AYUBA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===
AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AYUBA : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
AYUBA : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
AYUBA : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news...'

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize AYUBA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
AYUBA : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
AYUBA - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
AYUBA told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
AYUBA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

Ayuba:kuyini mama okuhlala ebhulugweni likababa okulekhanda elibomvu.
mama:ngizakubeta Ayuba usuxhwalile
Ayuba:nzwee yistiki somentshisi



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