Joseph chintomba went to an airline offcie to find out about air fares to zambia

J.C.>How long does it rake to fly from harare to zambia?

Agent.> juss a sec.........

J.C.> thank you and he lives.

umugabe lo mzee lo nkomo bahamba ku meeting a china,kuthe ngemva kwesikhathi u mugabe wacela umzee ukuthi ayephathela amanzi

umzee wahamba okwesikhathi eside, waphenduka ethwele amanzi nge glass. Kuthe ngemav kwehola u nkomo laye wacela ukuthi u mzee ayemkhela amanzi.....kwahlala isikhathi u mzee engaphendukanga, kwathi ngemva kwesikhathi waphenduka ethwele i glass lingela manzi, unkmo wadana wambuza ukuthi kanti mzee amanzi ami akaphi?
mzee>lapha engikhele khona u shefu amanzi akhe ngifice sokuhlezi umuntu.......

Wavuka eyibambileubaba,wayikhangela,wayithintitha,wanyikinya ikhanda ekhumbula ukuthi yiyo elele ikhalisa umama.
Wayibisela esikhwameni incwadi yeMFA

ANGELS IN OUR MIDST

DAUGHTER: MOM, I THINK OUR MAID IS AN ANGEL!
MOTHER : WHY HONNIE?
DAUGHTER: SHE WAS NAKED IN YOUR BEDROOM SCREAMING,
"OOH GOD I'M COMING! I`M COMING". LUCKILY, DAD WAS
HOLDING HER FROM BEHIND.....

lNKULUMO ZABETSHABI E UK[Part 1]
1.Ini ndakatayimira kupinda pasati patanga nyaya yemavhiza
2.Chembere ne dot com ndizvo.
3.At times Mugabe ari right mhani.
4.Siyana nema homes, ku agency kune chibhanzi shasha.
5.Mazuvano muri kutumira nemarii.
6.Kuno kwazara mahure akomana.
7.Shamwari first time yangu kusvika muno muUK ndakatambura haikona zvekutamba.
8.This time ndikadzokera kumba ndomboendawo kuVic Falls.
8.Vamwe vanhu shuwa unomboshaya kuti vakapinda sei.
9.Ndiri kumhanya nedhara rangu rechivheti kuitira matsamba.
10.So far ndatumira six magonyeti.
11.Ah ndasuwa mwana wangu mufunge, but manje
ndikadzokera handipinde futi.
12. Ndivoka vari kudya nedhiri remacredit cards ka ava.
13.Mungateedzere ava here, handiti family yavo yese yaakuno.
14.Mazimba kuzara kuno kudai mukati kuZimbabwe kuchiri nevanhu.
15. Hanzi anga ari lawyer ka iyeye, but iye zvino
taanaye mucare work, UK ndimaenzanise chokwadi.
16.Kana usati waenda kubhawa kwaJerry kuSlough hapana zvawati waona.
17.These days uka 'claimer' asylum unobva wa 'grantwa'
one time.
18.Boys ku den hakuna kumira bhoo asi imi muri
kutofara henyu.
19.Ndanga ndisingazive kuti vanhu ava ma racist kudai so.
20.PaGatwick ndipo pasinganetse manje.
21. Akadzoswa kumba last week akasiya zvinhu zvake zvese.
22.Vanhu ava vakatimaka just because tiri
maZimbabweans.
23.Hanzi vanhu vari kumusha vari kutoita more
chibhanzi than isusu.
24.Card risinganetse kufona kuZimbabwe nderipi
chaizvo.
25.Ha-a nyika ino yazondirijusa haikona. Apa chirungu
chavo hachinzwike mhani.
[to be continued]

Mugabe visited Bulawayo some time after the Murambat***** nonsense,omunye umagogo wamlanda efuna ukukhuluma laye:

Gogas:kodwa shuwa baba Mugabe nxa udiliza izindlu zethu,uthi siyengaphi?


Mugabe:hk hk, lina lalisithi "Mugabe must go',Mugabe must go",lalisithi ngiyengaphi.

Uyazi kwake kwathi kudala abantu bengakaphucuki kwelemaguswini komnyamubambile ngelinye ilanga okungamatwins umfana lenkazana kukuma 3years khonapho kuyazidlalela laphaya,lokhu okungumfana kwasekudobha isibuko into okwakuvele kungakaze kuyibone empilweni,kwasho kutshengisa omunye wakho "a uyabona,kukhanya okungumfana lapha entweni leyi"okunkazana lakho kwathi kuyakhangela lakho kwazibona "ulamanga wena yinkazana leyi"kwaphikiswana ke kwaze kwaphosa kwalunywana kwasekutholakala icebo lokuthi ngcono kuyebuza uyisemkhulu owayebhizi laye ebaza izikeyi zakhe esihlahleni laphaya."khulu yikuyini lokhu okulapha" wasikhangela isibuko umdala laye wazibona wathi "lanibazukulu bami liyahlupha mani litsho ukuthi aliboni ukuthi yindwangu leyi"

Uyazi amasmall house ayathandeka kithi amajida.Uyabona umjida esegula blayindi eMpilo laphaphana,thina izihlobo labangane lathi phela siyabe sifika sitshiya okuncane kumember ukwenzela phela ukuthi akhavise kumafriuts lokunye nje okungabe kungafuneka nxa umuntu egula.Phela khonapho liyabe lilihlekana ligombolozele umbeda lawe uyazi loSmall house laye uyabe ekhona belokhe benyonkolozana lomamomdala,uzabona nxa ibhera yokuthi isikhathi sokuphuma kwabazobona izigulane sesitshayile abantu sebephuma uzezwa umjida ngelizwi lokufuthelwa eliphansi esesithi "bengicela lowu omncane ake asale mbijana kulokunye engifuna ukumlayezele khona"uzayibona isingena kushelf yayo leyana iphuma lokuyisambanyana uzwe"hayi mama lapha lani lizabona okokudla lerent lokhu okunye sizabona ngokuhamba kwensuku"usephiwa yonaleya eyamafruits.Yeyi sithwele nzima majida

It's amazing how a human mind works


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn 't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia -

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

The Verdict...


A woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in
court, taking along her long-suffering husband for moral support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The woman agreed.


The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."


The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

lNKULUMO ZABETSHABI[part 2]

26.Chikafu chekuno hachinake, hachina door
nechekudheni.
27.Boys dzinematsamba d zinoda kuwanza but hapana musoro wadziri kumboita.
28.Bus pass rangu mudhosvo, matsaga ekuno haakete chunhu, ajaira kungotrasta munhu wese.
29.Ini handidi kugara area ine maZimbo hobho shaa-aa,anokudzoseresa kumba or even kukutorera murume kana usingazive.
30.Vanhu vari kuZimbabwe havambozivi moto watiri kuona kuno, chavo kuda mari chete.
31.Usanyeberwe, this guy ane mukadzi nemwana kuZimbabwe.
32.Manje Zimba rizere kuLuton, kuSlough nekuLeicester.
Unoita kunge uri kufamba kuMbare chaiko. Apa Aids iri kubva yawandawo.
33.Hona kuda kuvhaira nemasports car avakazozivira kuno kuUK.
34.Akauya achirwara uyu atozosimba nefood neweather.
35.Akatumira boyfriend yake ticket and ichingopinda yakabva yamutiza.
36.I don't know kuti vasina hama dziri kuUK vari kupona nei chaizvo.
37.Mazuvano ndiri kurova ma nights nema long hours chete because zvinhu hazvina ku mira bhoo kumusha. Kuno tichafa ne stress chete.
38.So far ndazadza ma suit case three nehembe, kwasara ma cell phones nedvd player zvekutumira kumusha.
39.Hanzi mukadzi ari kuhura ari kuZimbabwe iye achikuvara neshift kudayi, ende zvakaoma.
40.Ariko kuZimbabwe ari stuck nenyaya yevhiza.
Takamuti ayedze Malawian passport.
41. Wati Pound kuZimbabwe ririkuchinjwa nemarii??
42.Shamwari mukadzi ndewekutotsvaga uchiri kumusha kwete izvi zvekuno.
43.Akaita luck akawana 'indefinite stay' saka at least aakukwanisa kumbodzokera kudheni.
44.Ha-a iwe takangofanana mhani, matsamba whether no matsamba tese tiri zvipoko.
45.Kuno hakuuyiwe nevana because vanokutadzisa keunda kushift.
46.Akatoita funeral yekuchema ari paphone atadza kuenda kumusha since ari chinyahwe.
47.Manje ukada kuteedzera zvemajama hautenge stand kumba.
48.Takuvara nekurera vana. Dai tiri kuZimba taitsvaga musikana webasa.
49.This time ndomboendawo neBritish Airways, nekuti
Mazarura haasi kutembeka anogona kupera peturu muri mudenga.
50.Ko iye Mugabe ari kumbonzi akafa wani?

KwakungolweSithathu emini

KwakungolweSithathu emini ngerisese ngizicashele ekhabetheni eklasini, ngibalekela uthish' uMzobe, kanti uzovele angene khona ekilasini ndini lelo.Phela umsebenzi wasekhaya bengingawenzanga.Kuthe kungakapholi maseko wayesengena njalo uthishelakazi Mdletshe, base bekhulumela phansi behleba ukuthi, kuzothi ngelantshi uma sekulungiselelwa umdlalo kanobhusthuzwayo owawuzobakhona ebaleni, bona baye estoreroom lapho kugcinwa khona izimpahla zesikole. Ngangisakwazi nokuphefumula phela ekhabetheni lelo,ngilalele uMzobe encenga ukuthi uMaMdletshe ake amhlephulele. Ngangicabanga phela ukuthi isinkwa lesi uMzobe ayekhuluma ngaso , kanti ngishaye phansi kwashunqa uthuli, Mzobe ndini lo wayezicelela imomozi nje,ngangilokhu ngizwa uhleko insinsitheka ingane yakwa Mdletshe. Bathi nje bephuma eklasini nami ngaphuma ngayongena estoreroom leso ngayozishutheka emva komnyango owawuncikiswe odongeni.Akuphelanga mizuzu emingaki zase zithelela izigilamkhuba, bangena wakhiya uMzobe wayese ekhipha isikhiye emnyango, maqede wakhumula usafari wawulengisa esipikilini somnyango engangicashe emva kwawo, lwangithi heqe uvulo nenjabulo kanyenkanye. Nembala uMzobe wamphulula kabili kathathu ezinqeni uMaMdletshe ngambona ekhumula izibuko zamehlo uMaMdletshe ezibekela ecale.Wamxhuma ulimi khona lapho, waze waphakamisa unyawo olulodwa uMiss Mdletshe. Basingathana bacisho bawa phansi kwazise nendawo yayincane bo estoreroom. Wathi ukuqhela kancane uMzobe walunguza, ngiyabona wayeqinisekisa ukuthi babengabonwa, engazi phela ukuthi ugalakajana oyimina wayebukela bukhoma umdlalo wabo lo. Kwabuya okunguMzobe kwamenyusa isiketi uMiss Mdletshe kwancoma idilozi ayelifakile elibomvu, wamamatheka into engapheli umisi. Wamcela ukuba adunuse abambelele kuwo kanye umnyango lo ngangicashe emva kwawo, waba eseguqa umfoka Mzobe esemkhotha ngemuva umisi.Waphefumulela phezulu umisi equmisa okwesiguli esisezinhlungwini esibhedlela, elokhu ethi "Hawe Mzobe kodwa wawukuphi sonke lesis'khathi".Waphakama lapho uMzobe wehlisa ibhukwe lakhe , webakithi! angizange ngiyibone mina into enje, wathi uma ehlisa isikhindi sangaphansi yaphuma ibhanyaza futhi ime mpo isimenyezela into emnyama tsu, iqhanse nemithambo.Mukhulu nawu umthondo, kwethuka mina ngizicashele ngaze ngaphathwa nayingwici.uMzobe wamqhweba umisi emkhombisa imbomboshe yomthondo wakhe, wake wama umisi ebuka isibhombolozi lesi ngambona ejuluka ikhala kuphela. Mina ngase ngifile ukuqhanyelwa, kwadilozi engangilifakile selimanzi te.Wayesembamba ngesandla ekhanda umisi emphushela ngakuwo belu umthondokazi. Wabuza umisi kuMzobe ukuthi enzeni manje, lapho uMzobe wayebhodlisa okwethole uma ekhuluma esemtshela ukuthi ancele phela umbelekazi lo ngomlomo.Wawuthinta sakuwuxwaya ngomunwe elokhu ehleka uhleko lomuntu othukile. Wawufaka emlomeni kwabakanye wakhwehlela waze wagonyuluka, okwathi kusuka uMzobe wathi kulungile akayeke. Ngabona lapho ukuthi uMzobe ulwazi lakhe alujulanga nje kwi Meks (izibalo phela) kodwa nakwezocansi uhamba yedwa uMzobe.Wamphindisela khona emnyango wami umisi emdunusisa, wamfaka umunwe ngemuva.Wakhala umisi ngahlekela ngaphakathi ngisho ngenhliziyo ukuthi uhlala esibhambabula ngenduku nje naye uyakhala kanti. Ngithe ngisathi nje ngishintsha imilenze yami ngoba ngase ngikhathele ukuma ngezwa ngomnyango ungiciphiza kakhulu, ngezwa futhi nomisi ekhala ethi "Hawe Ma, hawe Nkulunkulu wami". Ngalesokhathi uMzobe wayeseyiphonse phakathi imamba kumisi,efenda ngolukhulu udlame lolu, kwakunyakaza izinto kwaze kwawa namahalavu esikole ayencike odongeni, ngingasaphathi-ke okwami ngoba isicabha lesi sasithe ne kimi ngingasakwazi nokwenzani ngisho nokufaka umunwe lo ngoba isibumbu sami sasesiluma futhi sifutha kabi.Uyabhebha uMzobe , ngezwa kuqhuma usuzo, engingazanga ukuthi lalibuya kubani,ngahlekela ngaphakathi namaphaphu ami esebuhlungu nokubabuhlungu.Umisi wayesehema elokhu ethi "hawe Jesu uJerico wani, angisamfuni lothekwane". UMzobe yena wayebheke phezulu eZulwini ehline ebusweni wawungathi ugwinya amalangabi, lapho wayesenesishwapha owawungafunga ukuthi indlovu iyosithela, ethe ne emvakwa misi. Mina ngokuphelelwa umoya manje ngenxa yokuhleka nokucishizwa umnyango, ngagcina sengiveze ikhanda ecaleni komnyango, ngisithwe usafari kaMzobe kancane.Nami ingqondo yayibuye kubesengathi iyahamba ukuqhanyelwa,okuthe uma ngithi phapha ngabona uMzobe ethe njo kulesisikhala engangilunguze kuso. Ngambona ehlahla amehlo engibhekile okwathi emva kwesikhashana wagexezisa ikhanda sakuvuma, elokhu engibhekile kodwa eqhubekile nokubhebha. Ngase ngimhalela ngifisa ukuphuma nami angimangaze,ngoba kwa boy flend yami uMhlebeni kuzothatha isikhathi ukuthi afinyelele kuleliyazinga. Ngambona uthisa ngelanga elilandela wangibizela ecaleni,wathi ufuna ngiyoklina estoreroom ngolweSihlanu ntambama, ngifunde kwezami ukuthi usho ukuthini. Angisakwazi ukulinda.

Bank Robbery
This is just too funny +disgusting not to share Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery.....Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.The robbers cracked the first safe's combination,and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system,one robber said, At least we'll have a bit to eat.The robbers opened up a second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.The process continued until all safes were opened.They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond,or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit,each leaving with nothing more than a queasy,uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
" IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."

Amen!! Allelua


A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river'".


THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!!!

mabila ungayenzi so..uzasibulala

A man 4got to zip up so a lady tells him ;u left yo garage open .man asks;did yu see my black merc parked inside? woman ans,no just a mini cooper with flat tyers .

SERIOUS TECHNICAL SUPPORT ISSUE!!!


18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make
matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a
shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus
in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to FiancHe 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I
found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and
could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had
forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer
and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess
what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often
crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install
Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has
alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it
tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please?

WOMAN
The best way of describing a woman is to use a ball. . .
At 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
At 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men after her.
At 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man after her.
At 48, she is a Ping-Pong ball - 2 men pushing her to each other.

What women think about sex?
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!

MAN
The best way of describing a man is to compare him to fruits. . .
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled &cheap.

Man's sexual chemistry
At 20s thrice weekly.
At 30s tries weekly.
At 40s tries weakly.
At 50s tries & tries.
At 60s tries & cries.
At 70s tries & dies!

AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job
to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off
to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of
Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest
private
part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said
the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like
this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the
dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed
it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that
you won't believe," he said, and opened up his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"

A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL FINALLY HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO A PARTY ALONE,


SINCE SHE WAS GOOD LOOKING,

SHE WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT TO DO IF BOYS HIT ON HER, HER MOM SAID,

IT'S VERY EASY WHENEVER A BOY STARTS HIITING ON YOU, YOU ASK HIM "WHAT

WILL BE THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" THAT WILL SCARE THEM OFF, SO SHE WENT.


AFTER A LITTLE WHILE AT THE PARTY A BOY STARTED DANCING WITH HER, AND

LITTLE BY LITTLE, KISSING HER AND TOUCHING HER. SHE ASKED HIM, "WHAT

WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" THE BOY FOUND SOME EXCUSE AND DISAPPEARED.


SOME TIME LATER THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN, A BOY STARTED TO KISS HER

NECK,HER SHOULDERS........ SHE STOPPED HIM AND ASKED HIM, "WHAT WILL BE

THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" HE RAN OFF.

LATER ON, ANOTHER BOY INVITED HER FOR A WALK, AFTER A FEW MINUTES HE

STARTED KISSING HER AND SHE ASKED HIM, "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?"

HE CONTINUED,NOW SLOWLY TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF. "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE

CALLED?"

SHE ASKED ONCE MORE. HE BEGAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. "WHAT WILL OUR BABY

BE CALLED?" SHE ASKED AGAIN.


AFTER HE WAS DONE,HE PEELED OFF HIS CONDOM,TIED IT IN A KNOT AND

SAID....

"IF HE GETS OUT OF THIS ONE.........He will be called McGyver

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

============== =

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not w orking anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coll eague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale
lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he
whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice.
"I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess I know everything,"
replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go
to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with
your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Amazing How People can push for an agenda


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

hk hk hk hk hk hk kleke petu. Lina bantwana lenzani kanti.

The Cowboy Baptist
==================

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer
and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just
one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we
all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Njengoba bahlala besho abadala ukuba inja ingaliqhoba ithambo imane ijwayele,kwabanjalo nakulomfokazana wakwaDube.Kwakusithi ngayoyonke inkathi inkosikazi yangakwakhe uMadube ingagibela isitimela iya ekhaya ,yena uzosuka athathe ijiko ayebeletha isidandane sakhe esogama uNondindwa aze naso apha ekamelweni labo lomshado.
Yayingabuzanga elangeni indoda yakwaDube ngoba ngaleyo mpelasonto wathi ma efika ekhaya uMadlomo wafumana bayagula bonke phecelezi,omkhulu ogogo kanye nabanye.Nakhoke kwakufanele futhi kulungile ukubana asheshe aphindele edolobheni kusesemasishane ayokwazisa owangakwakhe khona naye azokwazi ukuba aphuthume alubhekise ekhaya kungakonakali.
Kunjalonje sasingaphiwa themba isitimela esasihambela kuleyo ndawo,yikho naye akummangalisanga ukubana nomanje wasuke kusesemini enkulu,,wagcina efinyelela edolobheni sekuphakathi kwamabili.
Endlini apha!Yisisanasana umshado wezinja.Bayaphulazana uDube noNondindwa wakhe,sebemanzi te.lgazi eliningi elemizimba yabo seligelezele ezithweni zabo zangasese.Sebefile yi ekisayithimenti.Wayesekhefuzela owakwa Dube.UNondinwa yena esekhalisa okosana ecela alabhele ukubana umnuDube amqedisele ngokushesha ngoba esefile wukuqhanyelwa.Kepha kube ingcuphe.'Gugugu'kube nomsindo emnyango wangaphambili.Kukhona onqonqozayo.Bafikelwe ukwethuka okudibene nokucasuka ngalomuntu okhethe ukuzevakasha khona ngqe ngomzuzwana kufanele baqale lendabandaba yabo.Kwaba nokuthula okukhulu ngaphandle komsindo wokuhonqa kukaDlamini yena owayeyisiqashi lapha kwaDube, esebenzisa ikamelo lesipeya.'Gugugu'kubuye kuqhubeke futhi okhu kunqonqoza,khona manje kulandelwa yizwana lowesifazana elimnanjana lithi lona. 'vula Dube sthandwa yimi uMadlomo umkakho'.
Weqa watatazela uDube eqonda ekamelweni apho kwakulele khona isiqashi uDlamini.Apha ezandleni uphethe uNondindwa wakhe kalula nje sasana olunyangantathu.UDlamini wayeyimvu yomuntu,eyindoda esabathayo.Nomanje wayeqashile apha ,babevele sebephathana sabafo begazi noDube.Yikho waphanga wayizwisisa lenkinga eyayisehlele umfowabo,wavuma ukumkhipha emlonyeni wengwenya ngokumgcinela isidandane sakhe okwalobobusuku.Wavula umnyango uDube ejuluka izithukuthuku samuntu obekade eshosholoza.
Sebesembhedeni waqala ukushwashwatha ezasekhaya uMadlomo.'Dube sthandwa,ngilana nje angisenawo amandla ngesimo esisekhaya.Kugula wonke umndeni belo'[tswiki tswiki tswiki...]umsindo lo ubuya ngasekamelweni likaDlamini.'ukhulu yena,' kuqubeka uMadlomo.[tswiki tswiki tswiki...]umsindo uyaqhubeka.
Uyawuzwa lumsindo uDube kodwa uzama ukukushaya indiva nje ngoba engafuni ukukuvuma neze ukubana umnumzana ohloniphekayo njengo Dlamini engamana angenwe wusathane kalula njena nje.'kasavuke la phansi umkhulu',uyaqhubeka uMadlomo.[tswiki tswiki tswiki...]
Wazincweba idolo uDube,wazwela ubuhlungu.Wakukholwa impela ukubana lumsindo uvelela embhedeni kaDlamini,futhi kumgceke ukuba useshaya ihlandla lesibili uDlaminindini lo.
Wajuluka ngolaka uDube.'This is bullshit',ngephutha waphumisela uDube.'Bhulushiti kanjani sthandwa abantu bephatheke kanjena lena ekhaya?'Wabuza uMadlomo ngokumangala okungaphezulu.'Ngyasho nje just'.kusho uDube nempendulo ongaze wayikhomba inhloko nomsila wayo.[tswiki tswiki tswiki...]Wakuzwa njalo lokhu uDube ,wazi njalo ukubana nomakanjani useshaya ihlandla lesithathu umnuDlamini.
Wayengumuntu onaso isineke nobekezelo umfokaDube kodwa hatshi ma sekunokudelela okunjena.
Waphuma uDube samntu olubhekise esambuzini kepha wadla ijiko waseyama phambi komnyango wekamelo likaDlamini.Usecasuke!Wena owabona imamba.Kunjalo nje wayesazi kamhlophe ukubana ukuvele aphaphalaze nje ayiphathe kabi lendaba inqgobe zisala ngaye.Wanqonqoza emnyango kaDlamini ngomsindo nangamandla aphindiweyo uDube,esho ememeza futhi.'Dlamini!Dlamini!,siyagulelwa ekhaya.Uyangizwa Dlamini? Ngithe siyagulelwa ekhaya Dlamini.Siyaguleeeelwa.' UDlamini waphendula ngezwi lomntu ofayo athi.'Ngi-ngi-ngiye-yezwa ba-ba-baba Du-du-dube'.[tswiki tswiki tswiki........]

Ngikulibha ngento yami engena ngekhanda iphume ngezibunu
IMPENDULO:Nguwindi katshova

Haaaa Sthembolwakhe! Sikuthembile ngempela hk hk hk hk

UDlodlo(kesiphumuze omunye) wayenga-shoti esililweni noma ngesakobani. Wadlula komunye umuzi bewatshe amakhetheni. Wangena esezikhalisa esithi " Umuyi bo, umuyi bakithi usesitshiyile" etsho ehlala phambi kweqaga lamahewu.
Bamphendula bethi "Hayi Siwatshamakhetheni" Yena waqhubeka ebeka iqhaga phansi esula umlomo ethi "uSiwatshamakhetheni booh, wasitshiyela indubeko mfowethu Siwatshamakhetheni"

waze wangilahisa mfowethu ngiphethwe zimbambo la engikhona.

Ngu Dlodlo kanye lami ngangikhona ko Siwatshamakhetheni hk hk hk hk hk

KAMJANJI UYAROCKA

wife: imihlola seka Mgayiwa.
husband: Sekutheni nina
wife: emini lapha ungekho, kufike insizwa ezimbili zathi kangikhwele esihlahleni ngizikhele imangoe.
husband:haa ntombi yami; bebefuna ukubona i-pant lakho
wife:ngikwazile somoya, yikho nje ngihle ngalikhupha ngingakaze ngigade esihlahleni

Joskeyi......hayi agh!

Joskeyi, owakutshel'ukuth'isihlahla siyagadwa ngubani? Umuntu uyakhwela isihlahla.hatshi ukugada.Inzomba yiyo egadwayo.

Joskeyi, uyabulala jeki..

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking
for work in six weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them
both looking for work in two weeks."
A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind,
We just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole
country is looking for work

ORGASM

The Positive Orgasm "Oh yes, Ohhh Yesss, OH YESSSSS"

The Nagative Orgasm "Oh no, Ohhh Nooo, OH NOOOO"

The Spiritual Orgasm "Oh God, Ohhh Goddd, OH MY GODDDDD"

The Fake Orgasm "Oh Richard, Ohh Richard, OH REEEECHAAAARD"

The Indian Classical Orgasm "Nahi Nahiii Nahiii?."

The Rock & Roll Orgasm "O Baby, O baby?. O baby"

The Heavy Metal Orgasm "C'mon Honey, Go Jonny, Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey, Cumin Baby, EEEEEaaaahh, EEyyyyeEAAH, Yeeeaaah"

The Instrumental Orgasm "Oooonnnh, ooOOONNNNh,
eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOOhh"

The Goffel Orgasm "O Shit O f**k O Shiiitt O Fuuuck Ooooh Shiiiittt?."

The Shona Tongue Orgasm " O Maiwe, Maiwe, Maiwe, Maiwe,
Maiweeeee?"

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door
(as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He
grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

The man replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?'

He whispered back, 'Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service.'

Abangazi isi Kalanga lingixolile. Abasaziyo enjoy!

Ujaha wayesebuyela ewenela after visiting emaphaneni over Xmas break. Intokazi yakhe is throwing in amazwi okuvalelisana, iyalayezela ngewindi ibhasi seliduma.

" Undibhatile bhulugwa lina doli mbeli kuti kana ndagala bheya banu bahawukele"

"Igale yakalinga paaaaasi"

"Igale yakajali"

Wena Mabila,Wena.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded,so would his paycheck.After the preacher's 5th and 6th child, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay.There was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and Spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!", he said.In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice and said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear protection!

A prostitute was asked who the father of her baby was, and she replied, 'Ungadla indumba uyakwazi ukuthi yiphi ekusuzisileyo?'

**************************************************

Why do vegetarians keep quiet during sex? Because they don't want to admitthat a piece of meat is giving them pleasure!!

**************************************************

Once I catch you, I'll take you to bed, I'll make you hot,I'll make you sweat, I'll make you release fluids, you'll wish you never had me.
Yours sincerely
The F*cking Flu

**************************************************

It has been determined that the sexual position most used by married couples is doggy style.The husband sits and begs... while the wife rolls over and plays dead!!

The teacher at the toddlers' school wanted to find out if the kids knew where different tribes of South Africa are found. She asked the kids as follows:
Q 1: AmaXhosa atholakala kuphi?
Ans 1: "E Palament", the kid answered.
Q 2: AmaShangane atholakala kuphi?
Ans 2: E Giyane the infant answered.

Q 4 : AmaPedi atholakala kuphi?
Ans 4: "E Moriya", the kid with glasses shouted.
Q 3: AmaZulu atholakala kuphi?
Ans 3: After a bit of silence, the other kid shouted "Erenkini".

Kwakulikefu lekhisimusi lapho abadlali benguqu babeku off season kwazise kanti laboMtshifana labo bebebuyile ekhaya lapha.Lani liyazi eMakhokhoba laphana ku11 street kulenkundla yenguqu ,abadlali abanengi nje labo bathi ngcono bekebelule amathambo bedlale umbejwa,loMtshifana laye wabangumuntu ozaphatheka kulomdlalo ake akhiphe inyongo yeKhasili
Waqala ke umdlalo uyatshibilika uMtshifana luthuli,nanko ke loPeter Ndlovu laye uyadlala.
Walibamba uPeter beqondene loMtshifana,bamsikiza umtshifana wadayeka wayale,uthe etshibilika bamuthi mga,uthe uyajika njalo bamreyitsha umtshifana wayakuwa le,uthe evuka lapho esedwadlile wabhavuka umtshifana"zwana lapha mfethu mara ungazongijwayela, ma ulithatha lithathe ma uliyeka uliyeke, hayi ukube ulokhe ungijikisa kanje mani"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "

Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra -Two tickets for the
new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once
in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who
is 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But
fairies are......female.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
because I still have mine."