A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...


"OK, I give up. Where's the f#ckin' ship?"

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous and for his humanitarian work.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for complete silence.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet.....

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil b@stard!"

Advice to Drinkers and Their wives

Since you can not stop drinking, why not start a bar in your own home. Give your wife R840 (12XR70) to buy a case of booze. There are 360 tots in a case. Buy all your drinks from your wife at R6 a tot. When all the booze has finished, your wife will have R1320
to put in the bank and R840 to start business all over again. If you live 10 years, your lovely widow will have +/- R396000 plus interest on deposit = enough to give you a funeral, bring up your children, marry a decent man and FORGET SHE EVER KNEW YOU.

Your advice neglects to suggest further theory on what to do for the attendant pleasures enjoyed when one goes out to drink like flirting with(and sometimes sleeping with) whores,lying about things to mates in arguments,fighting and generally being off guard like a free spirit which if the wife saw would result in instant ukuchuma kwendoda otherwise it is very viable.

Kwakukhona isela elalintshontsha linqunu okucatshangelwa ukuthi yi-recommendation elaliyiphiwe kanye le-prescription yempande lokunye yinyanga yalo.Khona kuyaziwa ukuthi balutshwana abangamel'umuntu kumb'into esamuntu abangayinxusanga ebusuku. Ukuyixotshanisa kubiza isibindi esithize noma uthi nxa uzayibamba uyibamba ngaphi njalo ngani yona ingaqhokanga.
Enye indoda yathi ayisoze iyekeliswe ngalutho ukusekela lelo sela emva kokuba seliguduze emzini wayo lathatha elalikuthethe.
Kwabanjalo ke umninimuzi (hatshi lo owakule nkundla ) elihlasela ephethe ihloka le-torch unkosikazi elandela muva ethi usamntwana aphenduke ngoba kuyingozi ukuxotshana lesela lisiya ebunyameni.Akuthathanga sikathi isela lawa phansi ladunusela isakhamuzi leso sona sisanda kuphosela ihloka.Ngaleso sikathi itorch yathi tshazi ezibunwini zesela.Wabuyela ke undoda ekhefuzela ethi kunkosikazi baye emapoliseni ngoba ucezule lelo sela ikhanda kanti yena ubone izibunu lapho isela liphakama emva kokuwa.

TWO WOMEN WERE TAKING A BATH TOGETHER WHEN ONE REMARKED "I
WONDER WHY IT IS THAT I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF HAIR IN MY PRIVATE PARTS?"

THE OTHER REPLIED, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GRASS GROWING ON A BUSY ROAD?"

A Zulu website
http://www.mailforwards.co.za/?cat=2&paged=4

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and

Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. ASIO
contacted OP (Zambian Intelligence)

Within a minute, OP sent ASIO an email which they forwarded to the
White House as follows:

"Tell the US President he's holding the message upside down!"

Umamazala wabona umakoti egqoke i-g, string wathi:

“hawu, hawu ubehluphekile impela umtanomuntu
iphenti seladleka laze labanje??”

A BLACK MAN'S PRAYER

Oh Lord we humble ourselves to you this day and ask you to forgive us our sins, although we have none.
This is because it is not us who killed Jesus Christ, it was the whites.
He was betrayed by white man, and then sold Him to another white man who ordered that He be beaten.

It was the whites who even voted that He be crucified.
The name of the betrayer was Judas Iscariot.
We do not even have such names.

We have the likes of: NHLANHLA, MANDLA, VUSI, TSHEPO, LEBOGANG, LIZWI, ZODWA,
SIBUSISO, ZANELE, THANDI, FUNEKA, THEMBI, NONTYATYAMBO, MAHLATHI, KWENA, LIVHUWANI, THABO, MTHANDENI, TAKALANI, NTSAKO, NOMTHANDAZO, TSAKANI and bo DUMEZWENI.
So, we could not by anyway be involved in the crucification of our Lord. If you do not believe me you could even watch the movie `PASSION OF CHRIST`. There is no black man there.

Please Lord; let the black man be rich and the white man work for him.

AMEN.

I am aply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to std 8 examination certificate in 1997. My skool HLOMANI HIGH SKOOL very good. I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no meri and nochildish alive one die and aids but girlfrend not tellme truth of pregnant. My father dye long time and mother mary in KWA-ZULU NATAL country there 10 years now, no seeshe so nobody known to help me you see. My certifikate is just sit home for itself, but passin Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subject but fail in English because of MKHIZE teacherteaching me is jelos of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than MKHIZE teacher. Then teacher lookme every day and frawun at me you see. I here people you want security guards to you companyand I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2years. I shot thief dead and thief run with blad anddye. Thif stil carz and me see and shot. I want toJoin company of you and chase criminal out with meAK47 I take from Mzwakhe last yer when he fail pay memoney. Please consida my aplication well and call me anytime becausi me Have celphone. I am red for intervu with you. I am very hornest and can speakEnglish free. Please also greet your wife and chidren. And rememba English is noti mother land!! iz difcultyou see. Yoz Wandile Regards

Mininimuzi, waze wangephula imbambo mnumzane. yazi ngingahleki so.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Dont be stressed : you might end up like John

> One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A
> man came running into his office and shouted, "John, your daughter, Anna,
> just died in an accident right opposite this building"
>
> The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through
> his office window.
>
> While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't
> have a daughter named Anna.
>
> When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.
>
> When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not John.
>

Sgero, awukho right mfo, ungihlekise kakhulu nge ji-strimu.

A boy asks his father

Boy >"Daddy what is the deference between confidence and confidential"?

Father>"See son,i have confidence in you that you are my son but u see your friend right there",the man pointing at next door neighbour's son,"he is also my son and son that is confidential".

Umthandazo kaTsotsi

Eh well thaima elisezulwini

Bengicela ukuthi ungibhekele ezimokolweni zami engiziphushayo
And namajita ami ,uwagaye ikraag ukuthi labantu.......Umasibangena... bezwe ngathi

Ngiyazi nkulunkulu ukuthi wena awusiyimenemene ,une waar . So ngeke usibhekisele phansi njengalezinja zase phalamende.
Nawe baba uyazi ukuthi uma uphethe mina ,uphethe inja kasathane enza izinto zenzeke.or kanjani?
Serious ngicela uzilahlise lezinja zama bhujwa ngoba zona ziyathesha And futhi azina problem ngenyuku, umasizibhathula singabi nenkinga.

Qhelisa amagaata nama CPF eduze kwethu.

Uyazi nkulunkulu sisonke and wena wathi usiza abazisizayo or kanjani?
Baba ungawari ngiyohlala ngiyinja yakho and futhi uyazi kahle ukuthi mina
ngiyayenza into yami noma aboMbeki nalenja uNqakula besivalela ngaphandle
angibazondi.

Amen skhokho sami

Ma usudlala ngoJehovah suza dliwa zimpethu wethu. Anway somebody was asked to add that this place does not welcome you but they forgot. Noma nje uhlale ngenkani as an uncelebrated participant.

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks t he drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time! he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicki ng his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Wife and Husband prepare to go to bed.

Wife starts to sing the national anthem: "Nkosi sikelela".

Husband asks: Why are you singing the National Anthem during bedtime?

Wife replies: when the people sing the anthem, they stand up, so I'm
hoping something will stand up, sengifile yindlala!"

Everybody.. lets get this started and see what creative movie titles we can come up with.. here's the rules.. think up a movie title(ANY movie title), and add "Between Your Legs" to the movie title..it'll get it going

Cindy :- Rush Hour Between Your Legs

Patrick :- Gone with the wind Between your legs

Carl :- Finding Nemo Between your legs

Becci : Monsters inc, Between your legs

Nono: I am legend Between your legs

Jackie: Matrix Reloaded Between your legs

lindy: 28 days between your legs

lindy: men in black between yuor legs

chapsy:Just my luck between your legs

nozi : Brown Sugar between your legs

mnini: The Gods Must be Crazy between your legs

Elinye ijaha elizithandayo lasuka lana elondon lisiya eGoli lilihle lifake amachain lapha ezandleni kwazise phela likhonjwe ngenyintombi eliyithole kunet njalo lithemba ukuthi inhle.Lathi lifika lanjabula ngoba wayemuhle umntwana angani engangena ethoyilethi kuzaphuma icocobutter[amafutha]lapha ezibunu wahamba laye endlini lapho owabhandala khona imali enhle.Kwathi ebusuku undoda waphupha elabangane bakhe eLondon besindla benatha amabuy one get one free omunye umngane wakhe wasembuza ukuthi ukhethani ukuthi abeyiNKUKHU KUMBE INJA UMA ENGAFA wathi ufuna ukuba yinja bamhleka bathi engakhohla imisebenzi yenzinja[bamntshela ukuthi uzabe elala phandle njalo enethwa lizulu]watshintsha wathi kuncono abe yiNKUKU[abanhlekanga]uthe eloke elele wezwa ezibunu kutshisa wacabanga ukuthi konje uyinkuku iyabekhela lanye wenzanjalo.kondwa njengomuntu eqala wakhala kakhulu wazewethusa umntwana.Wamvusa embuza ukuthiyini wathi uyaphupha.Umntwana esenyanyile wathi USUBHOTSHILE NJA!!!!....

Themba got on the bus,sat next to a man reading a book,noticed he had his collar on backwards,the little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man ,who is a priest,said"l am a father"

Themba replied,"my father doesn't wear his collar that way"

The priest looked up from his book and answered"l am the father of many".

Thembasaid"my father has 4 girls and 4 boys and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way"

The priest getting impatient,said"l am the father of hundreds"and went back to his reading.

Themba sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said,"maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar"

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the Doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors and said "I've hurt my arm in
several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

uShenge Nabezindaba (back in the 80's)

Intatheli: Baba Sokalise kunamahebezi okuthi ungase ushiye ukuba umholi we IFP. Ngenxa yengcindezi yokuthi awusaphilile kahle ngexa yaso isifo sikashukela.

uShenge: Ngiyezwa nje amahemuhemu okuthi mangiphume ekubeni umholi weqembu le IFP ngenxa yabo belu laba abathi nginoshukela. Angazi noma bakebangikhotha yini?

uShenge eMondlo 1986

uShenge: Ngizwile nje ezindabeni ngabo belu onqeqe abayizintatheli ukuthi bathi mina angisazi Isilungu, angazi noma umsunu yini lo ekade ngiwukhuluma eFilidi.

uShenge emsakazweni 1982

Into engingayisho nje msakazi ukuthi umfundi waso Ngoye inzalo yesifebe nohlanya.

omnyama

Waqonywa ke! uMfoka Gumede, kanti uqonywa yi sangoma. Lwafika olungaliwayo,
wakhwela phezu kwaso ngomthondo, washaya wagalela
ngempela umfoka Mguni, wazizwa ukuthi uyashaya impela kanti futhi
nesangoma siyachama, wathi uma eqeda esezwa ukuthi sesi chame kwaze
kwaba kathathu isangoma sazamula kakhulu maqede sathi

"Ayabonga amakhosi phela ubusabhebhisa idlozi nje, manje sekumele
ubhebhe mina njenge Ntombi yakho".

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

Murderer : Population Stabilizer

Orphan : Independent Youngster

Beggar : Financial Gatherer

Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist

Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices

Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist

Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician

Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor

Tea lady : Refreshment Overseer

Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician

Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer

Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer

Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist

Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist

Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager

Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Unemployed :Township Management


Gossiping :Research Management[size:11pt][/size]

INKINGA YOMLIMI

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on

himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on
the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more
pleasure than his wife does.
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
farmer decides to call the customer hotline. ''Hello, I just bought a
cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I
remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry sir'', replies the
customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once

it has collected two litres!"

IYo! IYo! Yo! Yo!...........

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed,
Desperate.

Reply:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

AYUBA bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

============ ========= ========= ======
AYUBA : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===
AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AYUBA : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
AYUBA : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
AYUBA : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news...'

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize AYUBA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
AYUBA in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
AYUBA : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
AYUBA - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
AYUBA told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
AYUBA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

Ayuba:kuyini mama okuhlala ebhulugweni likababa okulekhanda elibomvu.
mama:ngizakubeta Ayuba usuxhwalile
Ayuba:nzwee yistiki somentshisi



[/quote]

3 monkeys asked GOD if he could change them into
human beings,

GOD took out a picture of Robert Mugabe & said " like this?"

The monkeys replied simultaneously "Yekela mawungafuni mani"

A Ndebele was sitting with a Shona and a Tonga in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled barrel of beer,when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them.They were initially given a death sentence,but it was a national holiday the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 slashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment the sheikh said,'Its my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping,but you can not wish not to be whipped!".The Tonga thought for a second and said,"Please tie me a pillow before your whipping,".This was done but the pilow lasted 10 slashes.The shona saw this and said,"Pliz tie me two pillows to my back before whipping".

This was done and lasted 20 slashes.The Ndebele saw this, but before he could make his own wish the sheikh said,"As you are from the western Zimbabwe with all the poverty and you share the same ethnicity with Mqabuko you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Ndebele thought for a second,then said,"Thank you most Royal and merciful highness.My first wish is to receive 100 slashes with strongest,toughest whip available."

"If you so desire" the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face,"and your second wish?"

'Tie the Shona on my back"

UThabo loZuma bathole icontract yokusurpler amawule ngo2010 kudwa uThabo utshele uZuma ukuthi kamethembi ngoba engadla isitoko.

wafa mthakathi

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4
parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Zinedine Zidane, the world's
number 1 footballer. FIFA needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,
"I am the wife of the former President of the United States , I am the most
ambitious woman in the world. I am also New York Senator and a potential
future President." She just took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the
plane. The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, said, "I'm President of Zimbabwe
and I have 13 million helpless people who always look to me for guidance.
Above all I'm the cleverest President in African history, and Africa 's
people won't let me die". So he put on a pack next to him and jumped out of
the plane. The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth
passenger, a 10yr old Chinese school boy, "I'm old and have lived a fruitful
life, God will decide my fate, so I'll let you have the last parachute". The
boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Africa 's cleverest
President (Robert Mugabe) has taken my schoolbag

--
Fear not, I will pilot thee

his first time


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist." :omg:lol::lol::rofl::rofl:

There was this crazy guy called Makhandakhanda.

He had a very big head. One day he went to a Sangoma

to get muti so that if people called him Makhandakhanda

they should die.



He went home and his mom asked him: 'Where do you

come from Makhandakhanda?' She died instantly.

He then went to the bank wearing a T - shirt with his name

on it. All the people called out his name and they all died.



He then took the money and ran.

He started counting the money, and when it reached R4 000 000,

he cried out in self - praise:



'HALALA!! Wadla Makhandakhanda. He died on the spot

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."


"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and everything is exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday

EXAM
General paper 1


13. Which is the ruling party in Zimbabwe ?
A. MDC-T
B. ZANU-PF
C. MDC
D. JOC

14. The staple food in Zimbabwe is ..............
A. Barley
B. Wheat
C. Sorgum mealie meal
D. Maize

15. ........... is/are Zimbabwe 's enermy number one.
A. Zeros
B. Inflation
C. Tsvangirai
D. Blair, Bush and Brown.

16. Who won the 2008 presidential elections in Zimbabwe ?
A. Robert Mugabe
B. Morgan Tsvangirai
C. Simba Makoni
D. Gedion Gono

17. Who among the Following is a hero of the democracy struggle?
A. Learnmore Jongwe
B. Border Gezi
C. Jonathan Moyo
D. Patrick Chinamasa.

18 ........... swallowed .............
A. The big fish Jonah
B. Zanu PF Zapu
C. Sea Fish
D. South Africa Lesotho

19. Robert Mugabe's other name is....................
A. Matibili
B. Bob
C. Dictator
D. mgabe

20. Zimbabweans who are living outside the country are called.............
A. Njivanas
B. Diasporians
C. Bakuru
D. BekuJoni

21. We buy meat .................
A. In the street
B. In houses
C. In butcheries
D. In the surrounding farms

22. ........... is a son of the Devil.
A. Mugabe
B. Chinotimba
C. A sinner
D. Chinamasa

23.We use ............. for cooking in urban areas.
A. firewood
B. gas stoves
C. electricity
D. Jelly stoves

24. A ................... eats kapenta fish.
A. Big fish
B. teacher
C. Zimbabwean
D. frog

25. ................. feed on mice.
A. Dogs
B. Shonas
C. Cats
D. Chickens

26. The most eaten meat in urban areas is ...............
A. beef
B. Soya meat
C. Matemba
D. pork

Questions: 15 multiple choice.

Test time: 15 minutes



1. Isalakutshelwa sibona ................
A. Ngamehlo
B. Ngamagogorosi
C. Ngama Green bomber
D. Ngomopho

2. Isinkwa sidliwa ngasiphi isikhathi?
A. Khisimusi
B. Ekuseni
C. Kasikho eZimbabwe
D. Bengasithumezela eGoli

3. Ubaba uhamba edolobheni nge.............
A. Bhasikili
B. Nyawo
C. Ngemota
D. Nge pick up kumbe ngeZhing zhong


4. Umongameli weZimbabwe oweqiniso ngu..........
A. Mugabe
B. Gono
C. Tsvangirai
D. Makoni

5. USipho wahlangana loMusa esiya eVinkilini. Ngubani owayesiya evinkilini?
A. NguMusa
B. Akulazinto emavinkilini
C. NguSipho
D.Bonke bobabili.

6. UNjabulo wathenga isinkwa nge $50 bamtshintsha i$15. Isinkwa sasingamadola amangaki?
A. Kasikho isinkwa ezitolo.
B. Amatshumi amathathu lanhlanu
C. Amatshumi amahlanu
D.Ngamanga isinkwa siyi $80 000

7. Ebhalwini kwabonakala inyoka. Zazingaki inyoka ebhalwini?
A. Zazimbili
B. Yayiyodwa
C. Zazizinengi
D. Inyoka kazikho eZimbabwe

8. Ixoxo lakhwela idada lawa, yini elawayo?
A. Lixoxo
B. Lidada
C. konke
D. lidola

9. AmaRandi atshintshwa ........
A. KoMadube
B. KoMandlovu
C. KoSphatheleni
D. Ebhanga

10. Umbalisi Dlodlo utsheba ............. uzathola amafutha (Fats)
A. ngamatemba
B. ngamachunks
C. ngendumba zeWorld Vision
D. ngenhloko yengulube

11. Uhulumende wanika abantu ..................... umhlabathi.
A. beZANU PF
B. abamnyama
C. abadubekayo
D. amawovethi

12. Umuntu onothileyo.............
A. Yisipatsha
B. ngusiphatheleni
C. yisinothi
D. yinginga

13. Ulenkani njengo...............
A. Tsvangirayi
B. Mugabe
C. nwabu
D. tshongololo

14. Impahla engaduliyo ...........
A. itshiphile
B. ithengwe ematshayineni.
C. ithengwe kubokhathama
D. ithengwa eGoli

15. Ibandla elibusayo eZimbabwe yi........
A. MDC-T
B. MDC-M
C. Mavambo-Kusile
D. Zanu-PF

Kwanzima bakithi !!!!

Nazo-ke bakwethu. Lencwadi ibhalwe njengoba yatholwa.Akuguqulwanga
lutho,futhi akukho lutho olufakelwe.

Ya Thami,
Empilweni angiphili ngenziwa nguwena.Isisho siyasho ukuthi into enhle
ayidingi ukoniwa.Ungathi wena wanikwa ithuba wadlala ngalo bese ufuna
ukonela abanye.
Point No 1
Mina angisakufuni,futhi ngiyakuzonda.Le decision kade ngayithatha from
December.Ngidinwa yizinto owazenza esingekho nesidingo sokuthi
ngizichaze ngoba uyazazi

Point No 2:
Wena into engenza ngikuzonde ukuthi wena ucabanga ukuthi unegolide kanti
cha.Wena usuhamba utshela amafriends akho ukuthi mina ngiyakulandela,
wena awusangifuni ,Ukhohliwe ukuthi nguwena owangisukela weza kithi
futhi wangifonela uthi ngize , ngeza namingithi ngizozwa ukuthi uthini ,
only to find ukuthi ukhuluma ezothando,
nami ngehlisa umoya.Ususuka lapho utshela abangani bakho uma ngifuna
into bese uthi ngizozama inhlanhla kuwe , kanti wena ucabanga utkuthi
ungubani?
Bakwenza isilima ngoba bona bayazondla izintombi zabo.Futhi engithanda
ukukugcizelela ukuthi wena ufanele ukuthi ungiphe imali or anything
engiyidingayo ngoba:
1.Umubi wena kungathi wawubhoshelwa abantu ufana nesibuxesi mina
ngimuhle. Ngaleyo ndlela uyangincenga ukuthi mina ngijole nawe. Uma
kuthiwa waba yisikhindi wawuzoba uwakiki , uma kuthiwa waba wumoya
wawuzoba umsuzo , uma kuthiwa waba yimbobo wawuzoba yimbobo
yokubhosha,Uma kuthiwa waba amehlo wawuzoba yindlobho, uma kuthiwa waba
yizicathulo wawuzoba yizimbadada.

2.Ugqoka kabi awuphethe sitayela.

3.Awungibhebhi , ungishaya nto ka 1 round ebhorayo.Kulowo 1 wakho
uyashesha nokuchama bese uthi unenyongo.Ayikho intombazane engayimela
lento,ulibele ukuthi wena wawucushiwe kanti vele awunaso nesitamina
futhi uhluleka nokufenda ,uze ufendiswe yimi,sisi!!!!Kulowo mzuzu ipipi
lakho kungathi ucikicane (uyisidalwa oe)

4.Awungikhiphi .Into oyaziyo ukuhirisha izithombe zo James Bond
ungigqume emjondolo wakho.

5.Nawe futhi ububona ukuthi uzongiluza ngoba awunawo ama qualities
okuthi ungajola nami.Futhi bengikuzama ngokujola nawe ,abantu bese bethi
sengiyahlanya yini ngokuthi ngijole nomuntu oyi opposite yami.

6.Ngicela wazi ukuthi sengijola nomngani wakho uNhlanhla, muhle ugqoka
kahle uyangibhebha futhi unepipi elikhulu leli engilidingayo.Uma
engibhebha kungathi ubhebha intombi nto kwazise ukuthi he's to big for
my vagina lento yona engayazi.

7.Sengishilo ukuthi angisakufuni futhi angisoze ngakufuna.Khohlwa
yimina.Indaba ye Cap ithi ngeke uyithole i Cap yakho,kungcono ukhohlwe
yiyo.Uma ufuna i Cap yakho nami ngicela ingquza(ikuku) yami.Hayi-ke
lapho uzoyithola iCap yakho.Futhi ungalibele ungimisa emgwaqeni not
unless uphethe ingquza yami ngesandla.


Okay
Good luck totolozana!!!!
Igama ligodliwe...............

A gay guy is in a public toilet doing his business at the urinal when
Another gentleman stands next to him.

The guys pulls out his manhood and starts to do his thing.

The mofie couldn't help but notice how large the stranger's "tool" was.
With his eyes wide open he asks the stranger, "What on earth is
that????"

The stranger replies, "That's my petrol pump...."

The mofie excitedly takes his wallet out, bends over with his ass high
in the air and says......." I'll have a R100 unleaded please....

The Proprietor of an underwear making company was having a tough time with stock shortages. On departure for home all employees' bags were searched and everything always seemed to be ok. All security measures you can think of were put in place, but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear. In addition to all the available security, all employees including mgt were to be checked if on departure each was wearing just one pair of panties. Stock still went missing and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then one day he had a dream. He was being advised to check the employees on arrival.

He got the shock of his life when he found that ??????????.

NONE OF THE EMPLOYEES INCLUDING MANAGEMENT HAD A PAIR OF PANTIES ON THEM.

hk ha hkhk hk ayi yuangiqamula yazi

IMITHETHO YENDODA

1. Mcuphe umfazi.

2. Mdlise ezwe wena.

3. Akalahle abangani bakhe.

4. Mfihlele inombolo yakho yase bangi.

5. Umhholo wakhe awunike wena wonke.

6. Angaligqoki idilozi uma kuyolalwa.

7. Ukudla makungezi kuwe sekuphakiwe – uzokudlisa.

8. Bangavakasha osbali bakho besfazane - not abesilisa.

9. Uma nixabene mngenise ekamelweni a-Modele, sibone ukuthi nizophuma nisaxabene yini.

10. Ungavumi akuthinte isende, habe uyohlale ucabanga yena yedwa abafazi bebaningi kangaka.

11. Ungahleki kakhulu naye uzokujwayela.

12. Yiba namandla ocansini uchathe, alamanise eduze umqede inkani.

13. Umfazi akuyena owakini. Ukuze ungaphoxeki ngolunye usuku, thola omunye umfazi wesibili.

14. Ubomsakaza ngempama umfazi kungenzekanga lutho nje, abuye axolise yena kuwe.

15. Akubize ngesthakazelo sakho, hayi ngegama. Uzalwa uye yini?

16. Mudle ngendlela yokuthi angayicabangi enye indoda ukuthi inepipi.

17. Uma ekubambe nentombi, ungaxolisi mngene ngepipi engakakhulumi nje.

18. Umfazi kufanele akwamukele ukuthi kungenzeka izingane zakomakhelwane zifane nawe.

19. Mxoshe uma ethi lincane ipipi lakho, imihlola yini lincane uma eliqhathanisa nelikabani.

20. Angalokothi agibele ngaphezulu noma afende, ubufebe lobo, wafundiswa ubani lokho.



Uma uyindoda phalaza bayadlisana labantu.

inkundla

Jokes for the new year


New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


New Year’s Day Prayer for one and all

Dear Lord, so far this year I’ve done well. I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help. Amen



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.


Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.


’I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.

’I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ’Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’


’Phase one?’ wonders Ken.


’Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ’I’ve quit buying.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ’I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’


’Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.


At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ’The meaning of dreams’.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


’A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other’ - Anonymous




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


’Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account’ - Oscar Wilde

Umbalisikazi uficwe ngamaWhorevet ebiza i-register:

Siphilanzima Mdlongwa, Sizolithath'ilizwe Gumede, Sibuswayizinja Khumalo, Kozekubenini Mdluli....etc