Kambe lomgonondo webuswiina usahlangene ngasengqondweni kumbe sokulibhungayezi kuphela. Kuthiwa uzwakale ethetha kabi ngemva kokuba i Ethiopian Airlines ibike ukuba nayo isizathutha ezayo kwelakwamkhenkethe. Nanka amazwi akhe, 'If these airlines continue pulling out of Zimbabwe, we will retaliate by pulling Air Zimbabwe out of Zimbabwe' kanjalo akuthandabuzeki ukuthi izifedukazi ebezukulowomkhosi zitshaye umkhulungwane zaqakeza nezandla.

TEACHER: Why are you late?


BONGANI: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?


BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: Bongani, how do you spell "crocodile"?


BONGANI: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

BONGANI: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?


BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

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TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America .


BONGANI: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: BONGANI!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: Now, Bongani, tell me do you say prayers, before eating?


BONGANI: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as Your brother's. Did you copy his?


BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking, when people
Are no longer interested?

BONGANI: A teacher

Bafowethu.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT ANNOUNCING JUST BEFORE TAKOFF:
" In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend fromm above. Stop screaming, grab the mask nearest to you, pull it over your face and start breathing."

Li Zwangendaba.

liyangichaza madoda

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Student: Yes, when my sister lost one my mother fainted, my dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away.

A man gets on a bus and sees a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her,
and pleads with her: "You are so attractive and I must have s*x with you."
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stand up, and gets off at the
next stop. The man is devastated. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to
the man and says: "I can tell you how to get to make with her! "Yeah?", says
the man. "Yeah!" says the bus driver."She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with
a hood, put some of that glowing powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in
the cemetery claiming to be an Angel. "The man promises to give it a Try,
and arrives at the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am an Angel," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about His
face. "God has directed me to make love with you." The nun agrees without
question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate
not to lose her virginity. The man agrees, and promptly has his wicked way
with her. This was the best sex he had ever had.
After finishing, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he laughed happily. "Surprise surprise, Iam the man from the bus!"
"Ha-ha," replied the nun. "Surprise surprise I am the bus driver and I am
gay!!"

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?
I'm a Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital as usual in her wheel chair.mad Joe stopped her and asked her for her licence,"shit" she said and sped off around the corner.mad Jim then stopped her and asked her for insurance,"fuuck",she said and sped off again at high speed.rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN, standing stark naked, with a massive erection,"oh no!",she said,"not the fucking breathalsyer again"

This is Hilarious;
Who said English is Difficult?
Idi Amin of Uganda (President's SPEECH)

For those of us who English is not their first language, read on!!Here is a speech delivered by Idi Amin at a sumptuous luncheon hosted By Queen Elizabeth 11 of Great Britain ."My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen. I hereby thankyou completely…..Mr. Queen, sir; and also what he has done for me and my fellow Ugandawho come with me. We have really eaten very much. And we are fed upcompletely:And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows: so thatthose plenty climates can come into lunch.But before I go back to my country with a plane from the Entebbeairport of London I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become hometo Uganda so that we can also revenge on you .you will eat a full cow:and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of fullstomach completely. Even when you want to rest at night; I will makesure that you sleep on top of meIn the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoyall the gravity of fresh air"But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a shortcall on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you tolast the whole moon completely. Thank you very much to allow meundress you completely before these extinguished ladies undergentlemen sir.Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthemof the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem.Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from thebottoms of all the people of Uganda . With this few words I thank yousir.

Please take your time to read this... I'd love it if you read it to the end...

*a girls first time*
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
; refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first
time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
;more room for an easy
entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as
possible. As he presses
;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful.Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
for him to go on. He
begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him
within you. After a few moments, you feel
something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle; that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your
dentist. After all,it was your first time to have
a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinkin' ?
PERVERT
I know what you were thinking!

Umnumzane uNdwandwe wase Ndwedwe wayengakaze alale nomuntu wesifazane
selokhu athi nhlo!!! Abadala base bembiza bebuza ukuthi yini inkinga
yakhe angalingisi abanye abafana besho ukuqonywa phela. Hhayi umfoka
Zwide abatshele ukuthi yena ulinde intombi nto ayoyiqala uma sebeku
honey moon ukulala nayo. Wagcina emthola ke azomenza umkakhe, bamsiza
ngamalobolo abadala aze agcine eganiwe nakhu phela wayengakaze asebenze.
Hhayi ke bahlale iviki elilodwa nomakoti kungenziwa lutho, aze agcine
ebuza umakoti ku mamezala ukuthi kanti umuntu uma eseganile akenziwa
lutho yini laph'ekhaya. Umamezala engazwisisi ukuthi umntanomuntu uqonde
ukuthini, kuthi uma kuphela iviki lesibili umakoti abuyele kumamezala
amtshele ukuthi ubuyela ekhaya ngoba nakubo wayedla esutha kodwa
bamtshela ukuthi okunye ukudla uyokuthola emzini, besho umphambili.
Akhuze ababaze umamezala abize undodana ambuze ukuthi kanti inkomo lena
eyafika nomakoti iyohlatshwa nini, nangu esethi uhamba nayo uyibuyisela
ekhaya. Isilima lesi siye sivutha kumalokazana, "ngizwa kuthiwa
kunenkomo owafika nayo manje usuyibuyisela kwabakini, musa ukungenza
isilima mina, leyonkomo ngeyami abakini bathi uma ngibalobolele kahle
bayonginika yona ngiyihlabe emva komshado, uthini manje???? Uthi
uyibuyisela emuva???? Angeke kwenzeke lokho kungavuka abeNguni!!! Hhayi
ke ahlale umakoti angayi ndawo, bese umamezala enza isu lokuthi umakoti
ayotheza, kodwa ahambe nomyeni wakhe. Wamtshela ukuthi angalifaki
idilozi, afike agibele esihlahleni bese ebiza umyeni wakhe azomehlisa.
Nebala enze njalo umakoti, impatha le ithi isabheka indlela yokumehlise,
ivele ibabaze kakhulu, hhawu MaMhlongo usulimele kanje, kwenzenjani?
Esho ebona inkomo kaMaMhlongo, cha akwenzeke lutho kungene ibhungane.
Pho usungaze ulimale kangaka, asihambe siye ekhaya yeka lento yokutheza.
Afike ekhaya abikele umama ukuthi umakoti uselimele kabi, ungenwe
yibhungane kulento achama ngayo manje akazi uzolikhipha kanjani.
U-Mamezala amtshele ukuthi akasebenzise into yakhe yokuchama ayifake
kwekamakoti lizophuma. Anikele khona umfana kaNdwandwe, ufika endlini
imilenze uyivule yonke umakoti. Aqale azame ngomunwe wakhe bese ethi
"iyashisa nayo lento yakho" kufanele lingaphumi licabanga ukuthi umuzi
walo lo, yinto yomkami yokuchama le, lizongibona kahle. Ngesikhathi
efaka umunwe wakhe umakoti ukhala ubumayemaye uzwa ubumnandi isilima
asiboni. Amemeze umamezala athi ngithe faka into yakho yokuchama
man!!!!! Esho ewukhipha umthondokazi wakhe umfana kwazise vele umakoti
usemanti te elokhu emkopa useze wachama. Waqale wawufaka ngesihloko,
wezwakala ethi mama!!!! Wemahhh!!!! Ngiyasha, futhi angiyitholi lento
sengiyicinge onke amakhona. Amemeze umama athi okuncono ufake wonke
ulihlikihlele phakathi uma lingaphumi lizofela phakathi!!!! Amjijimeze
ngomthondo umntanomuntu, lapho akasagqumi elokhu eshilo ethi angeke
ngidlale ibhungane mina, ngumfazi wami lo. Wafenda kwangathi iqolo yi
nkostini, kanti
ufenda nje kukhona akuzwayo kude le phakathi enkomeni, wacindezela kuleyo
ndawo engumsipha kanti uzogcina ezwa leya ndawo eyehlula ompetha
kwezokubhebha, ingani phela iyashisa, izwakala sengathi igqakazekile. Uma
uke wafika kuyo uvuma zonke izono zakho, umthengele ibhanoyi, umemeze
umama wakho. Kwenzeka njalo ke naku Ndwandwe, wamemeza kakhulu wathi
ma.....ma, ma, mama wami, hhawu we...mah, selifile..... ngenze njani????
Kanti
sebenkonkoshelene nomakoti bayachama bobabili.
Baqeda lapho babanamahloni, bengasazi manje fanele benze njani,
abuyisele amehlo lapho ade kungene khona ibhungane bese ethi hhayi
ulimele, lesisilonda sikude ukuphola, awubheke nje kuphuma nento
emhloshana(sperms), kukhomba khona ukuthi ifile lento. Athathe ithawula
azesule bese ethi unganyakazi ngizokusula mina, amesule kahle ngesineke.
Aqede lapho ayobikela umama wakhe, "mama uxole ngomsindo nami ayikho
into ebengingayenza kumnandi ukukhipha ibhungane". Athi umama, "yiyo ke
inkomo le umakoti ayethi uyibuyisela ekhaya, yiyo le abathi abakubo
uyoyihlaba emva komshado, kusukela namuhla alikho elamahhala, kumele
uyihlabe, uyizwile ke ukuthi imnandi kanjani, ngeyakho wedwa mntanami,
uyidle nangomlomo, akusiso isilonda umbala wayo yiwo lo". Ajabule
undodana abuyele ku makoti kube ukumbheka nje aqhanyelwe, wathi ake
ngibone ukuthi sesinjani isilonda, amvulele umakoti, ayithinte kancane
bese eyiphenya kahle ayibukisise, kwazise bandla akayazi lento emva
kwalokho athinte ubhontshisi ngolimi, wawuncela, wafaka ulimi phakathi
waluhambisa phezulu, lapho ke nomakoti usewubambe ngezakhe izandla
umthondo womyeni wakhe, uwufaka emlonyeni, awukhiphe azishaye ngawo
ebusweni, angazi ukuthi uzoyenzenjani lento emnandi kangaka. Wawufaka
umfoka Zwide kwazise usengumphetha, usefenda nje kahle akasajahile
ukubulala ibhungane. Uma esefuna nje, uyishaya nge "code" ake ngikhiphe
ibhungane s'thandwa sami.


__________________________________________________


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xxx hmmmmmmmmm

-----A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name
Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket"
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
"Your horse phoned"

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss".

Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH, *

*HE GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP. HE CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED *

*'DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'? *

*THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS

A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Mthimbali lo Dokotela

Goodnews bafowethu. I got a tender to supply amawule for South Africa 2010!!! I was thinking of you two and me in a joint venture. But I don't trust you - lingadla i stock!

Friendship For Men & For Women: Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two even claimed that he was still there!!!

Only black people

1. Are engaged for 5 years or more.

2. Never bother to divorce. They just separate for the
rest of their
lives.

3. Are late to church, work, and everything else, EXCEPT
when the
"club" is free before 11:00 PM.

4. Refer to diabetes as "SHUKELA OR ISIFO SESWEKILE".

5. Wait for movies to premier on SIMUNYE.

6. Drive slowly around town just looking for someone so
they can say

"Hola seven."

7. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday
parties, etc.
with a new outfit on, with their nails and hair done, but
don't bring a
wedding present.



8. In relation to #7, they eat like dogs and take a DOGGIE
BAG.



9. Consider "clubbing" as a monthly expense.



10. Leave bills (instead of insurance) behind for surviving
relatives.



11. Have at least one relative with a criminal record.



12. Will borrow money for a big wedding reception, then
live in a flat
with no furniture.



13. Have mothers who can use swear words and religion ALL
IN ONE
SENTENCE.

For example, "Thixo wam, lekaka yomntwana iyawazinyele."
and "Awe Jesu
wam awubheke ooNokuthula sekuma namadoda kusekuncane,
akufebi nje
kwenzokunye"



14. Swear that the nigerian man selling carpets out of a
van gives them
the best deals!



15. Have at least one neighbour that "was almost a soccer
star"



16. Spend the car insurance money on everything, EXCEPT
getting the dent
fixed.



17. Invite co-workers and all of their friends to their
child's
christening party, which happens to have a professional DJ,
alcohol but
only about 3 kids and 50 adults in attendance.



18. Have children who are great singers and dancers, but
falling behind
in school.



19. Will drive a Lexus, Merc, BMW or Jaguar AND live in a
bachelor flat
or rent a house or ARE STILL staying with their Mum.



20. Come over to your house at 8:00 in the morning to
"borrow" a cup of
sugar.



21. Will pull up in the church car park blasting out
Mandoza on their
stereo.



22. Will display the labels in designer suits to wear to a
class reunion
and try to return it the next day after spilling beer on
it, only to
tell the sales person it didn't fit.



23. Will have on a new outfit every time you see them, but
when you ask
them for the money they owe you they always say, "Don't
have it."



24. Play R 100 worth of lottery numbers a week but won't
invest in the
stock & shares. (It's tooooo risky!!)



Yeah



Don't feel offended i'm also a black person.

Sase sifikile isikhathi sokuba uSipho abuyele ekhaya eNatali

Ukuyokwenza umsebenzi kayise owayeshone onyakeni edlule.



Ngokwesiko lomsebenzi ubizwa ngokuthi umsebenzi wokukhumula

inzila. Kwadingeka ukuba uSipho abikele umlungu wakhe ngohambo lwakhe

lokuyokwenza lomsebenzi, wezwakala esethi: "Boss I'm going home to

undress my mother and do my father's job".



Washaqeka wacishe waquleka umlungu, "You're going to do what!?".

"Oh..! Yes boss, I have to go home and undress my mother and do my

father's job. It's our culture..."

"

You black people!!!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grantyou three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failedto mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also makeyour husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom womenwill flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautifulwoman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in theworld. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what'shis is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'dlike a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stophere and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. ............ ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife . Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes toshow that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladieswho have a good sense of humour.

Ung`bulele Madlenya, yizo yizo mntanenkosi.

Nazi izintombi zenu!!!! UZanele oyingoduso eyayizolotsholwa wangena ekamelweni wakhumulaiphenti wathatha isibuko wasibeka ngaphansi wabuka inkomo, wathi: "Wadla nhlikinhliki ekade babeyihlikiza. Wadla nto yami yezimanga. Namhlanje kuhlangenwe ngawe, wo-hhe! basala oThembi noBajabulilenoNomusa, amakholwa amakhulu phela, nezinto zabo ezingena experience. Hamba nkomoyami, ubashayile nge-experience wabadida silwane sikamhlola. Wena wakhalisa oJabulani, oLucky, oBongani, oSiya oPhumlani no bab' uElliot, kwakhala abanumzane nabafokazane, kwakhala osomatekisi, odriver bama truck,omashanela, othisha, izimfolomani, izinduna, abefundisi, nezicashalala la kuwe.Usuwinile ke wena nhlikinhliki yami, noma singezwakali kahle lesis'limaesihlanyiswa wuwe, sengiyobekezelela wona umendo lo oyimvela kancane. Kodwa ungahlupheki silwane sami, uma usufuna ukuthola more, ngizovele ngikuphonse kuyise waso lesis'lima, ngimbonile indlela abelokhu engibuka ngayo ukuthi naye uyahalela ukukuhlikiza.

l enjoyed this baba. Great stuff

Penis asked the balls; 'kanti mina nxa ngingena phakathi lina lisala lisenzani phandle? The balls answered,;'Akula,sisala sizihlalele elonini thina'

Mninimuzi

hahahaha kumbe enkangala (kulabo abaphucula nge remover) kumbe esiqintini (kulabo abatshaya ngesigelo), kumbe eguswini (o bush mechanic abangakama nge afro comb!)

Making a baby. This is hilarious!


There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you
a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give
her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what
is given to her.

Love and appreciate the woman in your life.

BUT KEEP THIS IN MIND
Give a woman your salary and she will make it disappear

Give a woman your salary and she will make u a very happy rich man cause she will invest it

Bafowethu.

Sakubona NOM. Awukhulekanga ekhaya. Sifuna ukubakwazi sihlobo. I agree with you, give a woman anything goooooooooooood or baaaaaad, she will invest and the dividents are gooooooooood all the tiiiiiiiiiime.

I am just trying to multiply my vooooooooooooooice.

Li Zwangendaba.

Mzala!

Ngiyethemba nisaphila nabantwana. Nami ngiyaphila noma umkhuhlane wobusika ucishe wedlula nami nje. Ngahamba kahle nangalelalanga noma ngaze ngafika ngakusasa ekhaya ngenxa yeTransport. Ngahlala ewaiting room kwaze kwashaya u9 ebusuku lingafiki ibhasi. Cabanga-ke mzala ngingedwa nje umuntu wesifazane.Ngangizokuba wukudla kwezinswelaboya ukuba akuqhamukanga umfana wakwaCele laphaya eNgudwini ngamcela ukuba asale eseyongifihla kwakhe.Wangiphatha kahle bakithi loyamfana. Bheka ngoba ngageza ngamanzi afudumele, wanginika nokudla. Inkinga nje yaba ukuthi indawo yakhe incane, nombhede wakhe wenele umuntu oyedwa vo. Ngenxa yalesosizathu, kwadingeka ukuba sicuphisane, siphambane ukuze senele. Cabanga-ke angifake naphenti mzala ngenxa yokuthi engabe kade ngilifakile ngase ngiliwashile. Ngesizathu sokukhathala ngasheshe ngazumeka.

Angazi ukuthi ngase ngalale isikhathi esingakanani ngenkathi ngiphaphama ngizithola sengifile ukuqhanyelwa kanti okungumfana sekuvele kwangivula imilenze kwangingena ngolimi es’bunjini samanzi te. Ngangithi ngizoziba kube sengathi angizwa lutho. Ngehluleka nokho, ngazithola sengiyivule kakhulu imilenze ngenkathi sengizwa amadevu nentshebe yakhe kungihuqa emsunwini. Ngaleyonkathi umthondo wakhe owawuqondene namabele wawusuqine okobhodo uqobo, usushisha bhe. Ngethuka sengiwubambe ngazo zombili maqede ngawuxhuma emlonyeni. Angazi ukuthi sancelana isikhathi eside kangakanani, engikukhumbulayo nje ukuthi ngagcina sengilele ngibheke phezulu umfana eseguqe phezu kwami esengene shi ngekhanda phakathi kwemilenze yami, ulimi lwakhe lwehla lwenyuka esibunjini sami esasesiqumbile wukuqhanyela. Nami ngaqhubeka nokuwubamba ngomlomo umthondo wakhe ngilokhu ngidlalisa kancane amasende ayesevuvuke ungafunga ukuthi yibhola lomphebezo, ngingasakuphathi okuyikhingqe lakhe. Ngangithi ngizomtshela alukhiphe ulimi ngenkathi sekuthi mangithunde. Kodwa ngenxa yokuthi umthondo wawugcwele emlonyeni wami ngehluleka ngavele ngamthundela khona emlonyeni. Angibazi lobuya bumnandi wemzala. Ngangithi uzophakama angithethise, kodwa waziqhubekela nokungikhotha. Anginakanga ukuthi naye useyathunda. Ngamuzwa egquma nje okomuntu ophelelwa wumoya kantinakho sekuyangithundela emlonyeni okungumfana. Kwasishaya sagcwala sonke okuyisigwadi isidoda emlonyeni maqede kwalala ja nami ngazumeka.

Salala singasembathanga singasacimanga nesibani. Saze saphashanyiswa ngamakhaza entathakusa. Wavele wajika umfana walala waqondana nami manje, maqede wangigona sanamathelana wangixhuma ulimi. Ngathi ngethuka wabe esengibuyise ngaphezulu sesibhebhana. Hhayi yiciko loyamfana mzala ngiyakutshela. Akadle ngakufequza. Ngathi mina ngiyazibulala ngokufenda, yena wayenyakaza kancane egudla kuphela umsunu ngekhinqe sengathi uxabene nawo nje qha. Lapho-ke usekweqe amehlo wena wabona umuntu egeqwa yisisu. Ngaze ngesaba sengathi uzofela ngaphansi kwami. Ngaqhubeka nokufenda slowly sengilingisa yena. Ngezwa ngigedezela umzimba wonke maqede ngoma ngaqonda thwi kuhle kwenyoka. Hhayi angikwazi lokhuya kuthunda mzala. Kwangiguqula kancane okungumfana kwangibhekisa phezulu, kwawufaka, kwangibhebha futhi. Lapho-ke nomthondo wakho usuyacwebezela. Ngaleyonkathi mina sengiyisidumbu nje. Kwanyakaza kabili kathathu kwangathi kuyaqhela, kanti sekungithela ngesidoda. Ngangithi ngiyasha. Kwavuka kwangesula ngesikhulu isineke lesi nakho kwazesula maqede sazumeka futhi.

Ngavuka seliphakeme ilanga, okungumfana sekuhambile kwaya emsebenzini. Kwashiya sekungilungiselele yonke into. Phezu kwetafula kwakushiye incwajana eyayingitshela ukuthi uma sengihamba ngiyowubeka kuphi ukhiye. Futhi bakithi, giyokhohlwa ngifile. Hhayi mzala, angime, ezimnandi azipheli. Ukhonze kumalume.

PIPI
PIPI ELIDE WENA OHLABANAYO
WENA MAKHI WEMIZI YABANTU
WENA MAKHI WABANTWANA
DELA OWAZI UYIHLO NONYOKO
DELA OWAZI UMSUKA WAKHO
ENGABE ONGOWAKUPHI NGEMPELA ISIBONGO

PIPI NDINI, PIPI NDINI
UDINGA UKUHLONISHWA NGEMPELA
UGWAZA MAQEDA WEHLE UMJULUKO
OTHI UMA USITHELA THINA BESIFAZANE
SIKHALE UBU MAYEMAYE
SIKHALE UBUQANDUQANDU

HAYI UMNANDI MFOKA MUDEMUDE
KUDE NGISHO UMFUSHANE UYAKWAZI UKUSEBENZA
USHAYE OMNCANE USHAYE NESALUKAZE
SONKE SIKHALA NGENDLELA EYODWA

HALALA MAPIPANA, NGIVAKASHELE NJALO.

INTOKAZI EZIFELAYO NGEPIPI.

PS: DLULISELA EZINTOKAZINI EZINGAKUTHOKOZELA UKUZWA LEZIBONGO, KANYE NEZINSIZWA EZILISEBENZISAYO IPIPI

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.

Can you offer any reason for this disease?



The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a Cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?



The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a Cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about,

Getting to the point?



The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tittiess twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

What we hate in women,
We hate:
1. Women who gossip (get a life)
2. Women who say, Ha ana koloi (when their fathers don’t even own a bicycle)
3. Women who wear expensive clothes and still sleep on the floor
4. Women who are over 21 and still say (mama a kase dumele)
5. women who accept drinks from a man the whole night and wont give it up
6. Women who want to be taken to 5 star hotels and they can’t even afford ( bed & brealkfast lodges ) or to buy themselves a bed
7. Women who can’t even wash their own underwear
8. Women who think they are special when they are indirect prostitutes (Bo kuku nkopele boroko, pipi e tsene ka kgotso )
9. Women who think their high paying jobs are a way to pull men by their balls
10. Women who still ask men ( o setse o rotile ) during sex. ( why the hell am I still on top of you).
11. Women who don’t clean up their fanny’s ( Kuku ) You wash your car don’t you
12. Women who drive expensive cars and can’t change a flat tyre
13. Women who sleep with men and don’t want to be seen with them in public (o go estsa o tswe ditete at night though)
14. Women who ask, do I look fat when they know they are (go to gym fatty)
15. Women who think giving a man sex is a favour while they enjoy it more…
16. Women who think all men are foreigners and should be giving them money (Get a damn job)
17. Women who think that sex is like christmas and should done once a year even though they are married.
18. Women who compare their partners with international film stars (shame on you, you won’t meet them and you are also not Naomi Campbell )
19. Women who pretend not to know how to give blow jobs, but do it well to get a promotion. (sies !)
20. Women who don’t wear bras and walk around with tits that are at their knees. (They are not rubber and will not come back)
21. Women with low cut jeans and full of strech marks that look nasty (go to gym )
22. Stop seducing us and screeming sexual harrasment when we make advances
23. A head-ache that lasts two weeks is a problem, see a damn doctor
24. You expect us to trust you but you bleed for a week and not die.
25. You expect us to enjoy sex but your entertainment area is close to the sewage zone
26. Stop wearing you micro mini’s in winter, le tla omella dikuku le marago le bolaiwe ke serame.
27. When I say I love you, it does not mean that I’ll marry you ( It means ke mo tlaleng, bula dirope )
28. No sex for a week means that I can do your friend or

LOVE HER





1) Love her ...when she sips on your coffee or tea. She only wants to make sure it tastes just right for you (Uchekha ikorobela ukuthi iyazwakala yini)


2) Love her...when she is jealous. Out of all the men she can have, she chose you (Uthanda amadoda, akaneliswa)



3) Love her...when she has annoying little habits that drives you nuts. You have them too. (Ukujwayela kabi, shaya)


4) Love her...when her cooking is bad. She tries. (Uzobulawa indlala unomfazi, Mshiye)



5) Love her...when she looks scary in the morning. She always fixes herself up again. (Uthwizile, uyazipenda,,, thola onobuhle bemvelo)


6) Love her...when she makes you watch corny love dramas while the sport is on. She wants to share these moments with you. (Uyakuphazamisa akayobukela ekamelweni)


7) Love her...when she asks if she looks fat. Your opinion counts, sotell her she's beautiful. (Wamthola enefiga, sekuyisgubhu .... Mshiye)


8) Love her...when she looks beautiful. She's yours so appreciate her. (Mumithise khona bengeke bamunake)


9) Love her...when she spends hours to get ready. She only wants to look her best for you. (Ukuchithela iskhathi ngabe uyoziphuzela noma uzokuthola phambili)


10) Love her...when she buys you gifts you don't like. Smile and tell her its what you've always wanted. (Umtshele ukuthi ulahle imali ngabe uthenge ibhodlela noma ikesi labhiya)


11) Love her...when she cries for absolutely nothing. Don't ask, tell her its going to be okay (Uyatetema mufake impama akhalele into ayaziyo)


12) Love her...when she suffers from PMS. Buy chocolate, rub her feet and rent any movie with Vin Diesel (trust me this works!) (Akahlale emithi khona angeke ahlushwe i-PMS yabo)


13) Love her...when whatever you do is not pleasing. It happens and will pass (Ubani vele ofuna uku plizana naye)


14) Love her...when she stains your clothes. You needed a new shirt anyway (Uyahlanya uzolithenga elinye)


15) Love her...when she argues. She only wants to make things right (Indoda ayiphikiswa)


All these things form part of a woman's character.

This woman is part of your life and should be treated as the queen she is.

Take time to make her feel special in every way.

Zela,

I received a letter from my grandmother last week. She is eighty-eightyearsold and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Gavin, The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a"honk ifyou love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy thatdaybecause I had just come from a thrilling choirperformance, followed by thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought thestickerand put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I wasstopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtaboutthe Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if hehadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people loveJesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking likecrazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love ofGod!Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!"What an exuberant Cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone startedhonking! I just leaned out my window and I started waving and smiling at allthoseloving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Margate back there because I heard himyelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way.. with only his middle fingerstuckup in the air. I asked your cousin George in the back seat what thatmeant.He said it was probably a Zulu good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Zululand, so I leaned out the windowandgave him the good luck sign back. George burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of thepeoplewere so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of theircarsand started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask whatchurchI attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, Iwaved atall my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through theintersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection beforethelight changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them. After all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned outthewindow and gave them all the Zulu good luck sign one last time as Idroveaway.Praise the Lord for such wonders. Love, Grandma

Ha Madlenya, waze wangihlekisa. Uzakwephula imbambo zami, awazi yini ukuthi vele sezagugudwa ngumuhlwa, azilutho ukwephuka!!!

A crocodile farmer wanted to prove to a friend how fast crocs are in water. He called his workers to the croc pool and offered $5 000 000 000.00 to the one who dives into the pool and swims to the end (obviously surviving the crocs). The workers start to debate the possibilities versus the money as the debate heats up one ndururani splashes into the pool and proceed to swim like he is posessed. Everybody else can't believe their eyes as the man wins. They run to congratulate him, but the guy is in no mood for a gold medal he is fuming obviously eyes wide-open "Okwemali yenu lokhu manini, Ngubani ongifuqeleyo, hi ngithi ngubani ongifuqeleyo!!!",

For his birthday Little Mzwandile asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is £1000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way
we can afford it."


The next day the father saw Little Mzwandile heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"


Little Mzwandile told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I
heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm
staying here by myself with an £1000.00 mortgage and no f**king
bike!"

hk! hk! hk!

A Shona girl goes into a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "You can't, that's a fire extinguisher."

YE MADODA!!!!Ukuthi kambe bathwele kangako lababantu?? hkhkhkh

Yeyeni madoda, ngiythemba ubuthelele lomama, yazi uma ngimbuka ngeso lengqondo ngimbona engumama omkhulu, onezinqe ezingaka, ngithi uma yona ngiyibhekisisa ngiyibona ingangeyendlovu isugubhu sangempela.Bafowethu lizizwele akuyiwa kubomama bempumalanga, uyathi usuyifakile uzwe ekubuza ukuthi isingenile na, kuyosala sengani ufake ucikilicane.

wena Sgelo wena!!

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Mugabe, Mzenda & Tsvangirai were lost in the forest and were captured by Cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. Mbeki came back and Said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten.' The first apple went in.... But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
Tsvangirai arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... And on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

Mzenda & Tsvangirai met in hell and Mzenda asked Tsvangirai, "Why did you Laugh, you almost got away with it?" Tsvangirai replied, I couldn't help It, I saw Mugabe coming with pineapples

Kanti manje uMbeki yena ungena ngaphi kule 'joke' yakho yobutabane???